Texts From Last Night

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  (718): View more from New York

  he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

  (1-718): View more from New York

  I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

  (718): View more from New York

  the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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  (718): he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs (1-718): I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious. (718): the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip. http://tfl.nu/dbxw
  Replies (31) Good night (830) Bad night (3826)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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  (678): So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving http://tfl.nu/h9li
  Replies (28) Good night (956) Bad night (8024)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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  (215): I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart. http://tfl.nu/liah
  Replies (22) Good night (7058) Bad night (1114)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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  (706): She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things http://tfl.nu/lrvj
  Replies (23) Good night (4886) Bad night (1295)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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  (704): Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people. http://tfl.nu/g4iv
  Replies (6) Good night (3683) Bad night (843)
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  (530): View more from California

  You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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  (530): You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her. http://tfl.nu/7jba
  Replies (6) Good night (4011) Bad night (766)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.

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  (865): we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss. http://tfl.nu/qrai
  Replies (6) Good night (2000) Bad night (894)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.

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  (401): Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world. http://tfl.nu/8eb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2811) Bad night (573)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?

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  (301): Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed? http://tfl.nu/ow4j
  Replies (5) Good night (1457) Bad night (503)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister

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  (780): Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister http://tfl.nu/6uk5
  Replies (20) Good night (1124) Bad night (602)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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  (401): I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety http://tfl.nu/pik8
  Replies (2) Good night (896) Bad night (432)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.

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  (201): Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour. http://tfl.nu/pcyi
  Replies (8) Good night (560) Bad night (1222)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever

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  (503): Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever http://tfl.nu/zn2u
  Replies (15) Good night (404) Bad night (1168)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?

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  (303): Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before? http://tfl.nu/t2sf
  Replies (0) Good night (693) Bad night (307)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  So you're drunk waiting for the bus.

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  (770): Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life. (706): So you're drunk waiting for the bus. http://tfl.nu/6hov
  Replies (0) Good night (767) Bad night (210)

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