please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
