it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.