Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
