So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
