My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
