So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
