I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
