I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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