good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
