Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
