Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
