Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
