I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
