New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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