Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
