I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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