so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
