thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Found the puke drawer
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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