you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
