Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
