I CAN MOONWALK!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
did i just pee glitter
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
