and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
we're so committed to being not committed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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