It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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