If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need to sanitize my soul.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
