i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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