I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
