Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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