I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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