i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
