sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
