none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
