i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
