Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
