This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
