This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just forgot I was standing up.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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