OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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