i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
