i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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