is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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