Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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