I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
