so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
