put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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