I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
