You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
