everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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