Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve