I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can I color on your dick again?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
