I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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