I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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