walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
