You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
