Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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