Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I would ride that face into the sunset
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
